There days that I feel more single than others. This season has that of more singular..😍😍 For the first time in a long while I desired to have a man in my life. Truth be told, I even made it known to God in my closet. Why? It was taking a toll on me. Am also doubting if that was me or some spirit sent by my tired ancestors to torment me till I get one..
Well, I ussually have crazy conversations in my mind. My mind at times can play games with me. And this season it has kept envisioning how it would be different if he was in my life. I mean the maiden personal person. But I also love my freedom that I feel like I might be robbed off this priviledge.
Subtly, I know deep in me theirs that serious desire for it, the wait has made me think otherwise and acclamatize to the reality am single.😂😂 I do not seek for sympathy because I know people would feel like it is too long. No, not at all. As I wait I do not keep on whining. I have learnt to enjoy and dance on the hallway.
In the recent past I have been going through a phase that has made me doubt my being in Kampala. My job has been at stake, I am no longer sure if God really wants me here or home. I do not have the grip to hold on the happenings back at home with this distance. Panic attacks that have been on the rise, anxiety when things are getting out of hand.
All I desire is someone to share what is happening and just give me a shoulder to lean on. Just to be around do nothing. My house has suddenly become so big for me alone.😇😇 Wierd! I know right!
It is pretty hard to make new friends when you are an adult.. When I came back to Uganda I was quite sure I will make friends easily. Lo and behold, I still find myself leaning back home. It feels safer there, when am stuck it is very easy and comfortable calling someone in Kenya than walking to someone in my neighbourhood.
You ask, how is that possible? I am also trying to decode it. Ask anyone who has moved and they will tell you. You put on mask and all you do is be a nice girl.. No showing real you, hiding behind the mask defines who I am.
I owe it to my girlfriend, one of the days in my house I was balancing tears and helpless. I made a call and she prayed for me over the phone and just like that my bones gained strength. That was pretty long day for me. I would have been more effective and productive if I was home than in Uganda.
God has a sense of humor, in the midst of all this I finally found peace. Peace with myself and peace with what was happening. It is made easy by having one who is calm and collected on the ground.I have not been sleeping well, I almost went to hospital. My body has kinda stopped. The days am working at home, I lazy in bed up till 2pm and the work late night. Its been messy.. If there is a way I could sneak home, I would be home by now.
One day at a time sweet Jesus. I keep walking in hope this will come to an end soon. We are not yet out of the woods. If you know the feeling of having a sick person and when you trying reaching they are out of service. That has been the rollercoaster. That my legs cannot even carry me an inch. I curl up on my coach and cry to God. At times you cry to sleep. But I gotta rise up and face it as it is..
I have been stretched to the brim. I pray this phase comes to an end. One of the nights as I laid in bed, I saw many people with sad faces and others crying.. My heart was moved with compassion. I saw each person walking alone and none is comforting each other. This was because each had a different thing that was saddening them.
Albeit, the following morning since the time I woke up. The calls I received from different people they were all sad news coming. I can’t help but cry to God to carry us through. To quieten our heart, in stillness and in trust that we will look to Him, even when the death is glaring at us. I am this confident that He is well able to do it.
Am reminded of how in the past He has fought for us. Not one time has our backs been against the wall, yet he made a way. He is a waymaker, promise keeper, light in the darkness. Our that is who He is. Are you doubting? Am a living proof of His unending mercies. He won’t relent, whatever He has spoken. He is not son of man that He should lie.
Girding myself with strength. To God be the glory. Faith over fear. The kingdom of God first. Even this will come to pass.